Living A Half Life
by Sparkleish
Summary: OneShot. Implied RemusxSirius. Set during the seventh book, in the final battle. Remus knows what he should be thinking ... but what he actually is, well, that's a different matter. Sappy.


This is my third oneshot in as many days

This is my third oneshot in as many days. The joys of short fanfics. And because I recently watched Brokeback Mountain, which is an amazing film and I recommend it to everyone, I am going to write a sad one. Though it won't be a copy of Brokeback Mountain in Harry Potter form or anything, it will just be sad.

This will be RemusxSirius. Because come on, they're cute.

It's set in the seventh book, in the fight. Remus is slightly OOC but I'm sure you will all live.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.

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I know that as I stand here, battling for my life, I should be thinking about so many things. Nymphadora Tonks, the woman that I love. Teddy Lupin, the son that the both of us produced. Harry Potter, the boy who's going to save the world. Ronald Weasley, the man that's going to stand by him. Hermione Granger, the girl that's going to beat the both of them into shape. Tom Riddle, the monster that caused all of this. So many things I should be thinking about, so many things that should be whirling through my mind. Yet … the only thing that I can actually think about … is you.

Sirius Black.

I know that I should be feeling guilty. Thinking about you, when I've already had two years to grieve you. I should be thinking about the ones who could lose their lives, rather then the one who already has. I should be protecting them, not wanting to leave just to feel your arms around me. I know that I'm selfish … and I don't care.

Because I love Tonks. And I love Teddy. And I love Harry, and Ron, and Hermione.

I just love Sirius Black so much more.

None of them know what it was like. They had no idea what it was like thinking that it had been Sirius who had betrayed us. It tore me apart from the inside out. I never used to look like this, so tired and worn. I can look back on the pictures of old, and know I have aged far too fast. Everything that happened … the Marauders were torn apart, and with them … I lost the man I loved. For thirteen years, he wasn't where he should be; by my side. And when he escaped … I didn't know what to feel.

Did I look for him? Help him? Forgive him?

Or did I turn my back on him? Forget him?

Not that I ended up with much of a choice. Being hired at Hogwarts … Well, it isn't like I could go searching for him with that job. So … I was stuck. Reading the news, hearing about you every day, the numerous theories about you, where you were, what you were doing. I even read that article in the Quibbler, about you being some singer. I imagined you reading that, a look of horror on your face, adamantly claiming that you were more handsome then any _singer_ … and I laughed. It made me happy to remember the _good_ things about you for once.

You know, instead of the fact that you had killed James and Lily.

But on that night … when I saw your name on the map … Do you have any idea how high my heart leapt? For just a second, I was the happiest man in the world. I wanted to cry, smile, laugh, run into your arms, and forget anything that's happened before. I wanted to believe that you weren't the Death Eater I thought you were. Hell, I didn't even _care_ that you were a Death Eater! I just wanted to be in your arms, just one last time, even if you killed me a second afterwards. At least, for one single second, I would have been happy.

Instead, I got something so much worse.

I got you back. For one amazing year, you were back. You were the Sirius I remembered, the one who laughed everything off. The one who would glance over to me when you thought I wasn't looking. The one who would hold me so tightly, I thought that you would never let go. The one who loved me so much, I felt selfish for not letting you share it. I told you that once. God, was that a mistake. You laughed so hard I'm surprised you didn't pass out from lack of oxygen.

But then … you took me into your arms and said that you had no desire to love anyone else.

The last time I talked to you … we were making plans. Can you believe that? Making plans for what we would do when you were found innocent. We would live together in a small house somewhere, after the war was over. We'd do stupid things, the ones that couples are supposed to. Walking through fields, sitting on the porch, standing hand and hand in the sunset. We wanted the normal life, something both of us had been denied for so long. We wanted to be average.

But that's never possible for us, is it?

You were gone. I got you for a single year, and then you slipped through my fingers again. This time, forever. You were never coming back this time. You really were gone from my life. When you fell through that veil, my arms wrapped around Harry to hold him back … I wanted nothing more then to jump in there after you. And it was truly, truly tempting. Perhaps if Harry hadn't been there, so desperate, then I would have done. I realized, somewhere inside, he needed me … so I stayed.

And for two long, long years … I grieved. All the time. Every single minute of every single day you were on my mind, even if I hid it. The only time I ever let my emotions get the better of me was at night, when there was no-one to see. I would cry for you. I would cry for having lost you. I would cry for you not being there to comfort me, like you always did when you found me crying.

And for two years … I wanted to die. Because I do love Tonks, I do. I wouldn't have married her and had a child with her otherwise. But if I had to give up the both of them for you, I would do it in the blink of an eye. If they were gone from my life for you to come back, I wouldn't have to think twice. I wanted to see you … but you couldn't come back. So I had to go to you, right?

I never had the guts for that.

But now … now I could go back, and no-one would call me a coward. No-one would think of me as one. They would see a hero, who died fighting for the world. And that was what I wanted. I know it's selfish, that I didn't want to die a coward, but … I can't have people thinking that I am weak. I fought so long to prove my worth; I wasn't going to let it all be taken away from me. Even in my death.

But now … now I can die. And I'll see Sirius.

Tonks is fighting to my left, her wand a blur of coloured light. I'm going to leave her … not even going to say goodbye. And I smile. My eyes flicking back to the Death Eaters, I'm smiling. I'm going to Sirius … or, at least, I won't be feeling this grief anymore. Either way, it's better then this. Living a half life.

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So? What do you think? Once again, I love reviews


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